cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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