Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
