I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
