just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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