i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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