you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
