how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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