Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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