the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
