The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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