some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
