Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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