I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
