Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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