just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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