I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
