They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
