I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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