i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
