allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
