He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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