i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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