dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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