I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
