guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
