You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
