my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize