I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm jealous of your bromance
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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