What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
