PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
