I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
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