theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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