Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
