just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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