i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
