i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
