You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Dick very happy bro
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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