Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize