Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
