dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
