Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
