I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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