in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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