pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
