I'm gonna have a badass scar
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
