did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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