Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
