going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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