True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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