there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
