wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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