i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
