i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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