I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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