I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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