I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
