Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
