Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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