just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
