I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
