I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
