I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
