guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
