I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
