I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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