this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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