The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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